Notes from the Campaign Trail

If you're anything like LeeAnn and me, you've had just about enough of politics to last you for quite some time. As I mentioned in my previous post, we were both junkies of the election season, flitting from pundit to pundit. Pitiful souls waiting to get their latest polling fix. Now that it's over, it seems a horrible waste of time all the way around. Think of all the other things I could have been doing other than watching Paul Begala make some snide remark about Sarah Palin or Bill O'Reilly rip Barney Frank. Was that really worth my time?

The worst part of it all is that LeeAnn and I are not through with the politicking. It seems the fever has descended upon our children. I think it was Mary Poole who first brought up the idea: President of the Smiths. Specifically, she said that since she had been operating as the de facto Commander in Chief of our household she might as well have the title to boot. Perritt, the House Minority Whip convened with his constituency and joined the race at their demand that the presidency not run uncontested. For someone who's as worn out from politics as I am, this was a most unwelcome development. And yet still, democracy must prevail. Unfortunately, what started as a friendly and humorous exercise between the twins has developed into a nasty little campaign. LeeAnn and I, of course, have exclusive access to both candidates and to their campaign spokespersons (who look oddly like Monkey and LuLu). A sample of the rhetoric from the campaign trail . . .

Mary Poole's Campaign Spokesperson As President, Miss Mary Poole will act quickly to stabilize the household economy. She will go line by line through the budget, cutting pork barrel spending on lavish personal expenses like daddy's new running shoes and the so-called Basement to Nowhere.

Perritt's Campaign Spokesperson Mr. Perritt finds his opponent's claims to stabilize the economy by cutting pork to be humorous considering she just took ownership of a fancy new car that she doesn't share with other government officials (me). Instead paparazzi have her on camera pulling other, unnamed, representatives out of the car or otherwise pitching a fit until the offending person yields.This is not the kind of change we can believe in.

Mary Poole's Campaign Spokesperson While I normally don't stoop to respond to personal attacks on my character, it should be noted that the fancy car my opponent mentioned was, in fact, a used car. Furthermore, it is a hybrid, running on gravity and my own two feet. I might point out that it was Rep. Perritt who brokered a deal with rich bankers to fully subsidize the purchase of a dumptruck for personal use and transportation. He has been seen numerous times using it to tool around the backyard. We encourage voters to consider such blatant abuse of state property.

Perritt's Campaign Spokesperson That dumptruck is for official state use. It is important to the safety of the house that I patrol and protect our borders. I just happen to use a dumptruck to do my patrolling. And please note that it too, is a gravity/foot-powered hybrid, a first among heavy industrial equipment. Regardless, we don't think that voters are interested in petty issues such as these. Our campaign believes it's far more important to focus on what we know about the candidates. A quick look at Miss Mary Poole's voting record indicates she's got the most liberal voting record in the house - voting 17 times to increase the amount of fruit served at meals, 3 times to increase funding for Ruffles purchasing programs, 12 times to cut time spent on reading and an astounding 124 times to increase sleeping time. With all that sleeping, sweet and salty foods and all those cuts to our education program, what message are we sending to our children? Country first? I don't think so.

Mary Poole's Campaign Spokesperson My opponent has tried, unsuccessfully, to paint Miss Mary Poole as a fruit eating, chip-eating, sleepy headed bumpkin. Voters may be surprised to note that she is, in fact, obsessed with reading now. She has been ever since she started her campaign. Mary Poole invites voters to stop by her campaign headquarters (nursery) at any time during the day and witness her sitting there, surrounded by books, just waiting for a hapless passer-by to get trapped into reading her "Rhyme Around". Again. Our campaign believes that all of this talk of Mary Poole's record is an attempt to distract voters from the claims of voter registration fraud now plaguing our opponent. In fact, the voter we spoke with was, by his own admission, an un-repentant domesticated pet. "Yes, I stalked chipmunks. I wish I'd stalked more of them." said the cat. With these kinds of friends, who needs enemies?

Perritt's Campaign Spokesperson The attempts to smear my campaign with remarks about fraudulent voter registration is really quite low. Mr. Perritt would like to remind Miss. Mary Poole that Rhett Butler Landers Smith, or simply "Rhett the Cat" as he has come to be known, has been a citizen of the household for longer than she has. Inquiries into his tax history, child payments (he has a litter in Walhalla, SC) and questions about whether he is actually a licensed cat or not, are completely inappropriate and are not justified by pointing out his carnivorous predilections. He's a citizen like the rest of us. In fact, he was warming laps and ridding the house and yard of spiders and rodents long before my opponent was even a passing thought. I'm proud that Rhett has come out and supported my campaign; he's a great American. My opponent my sound folksy, but she clearly doesn't understand the people that make our country great.

Mary Poole's Campaign Spokesperson Unbelievable, this, coming from the candidate that said quote, "We're not going to spend much time campaigning in the back yard or the basement. We've not historically done well in areas where voters cling to their kibbles and bits." It's funny that Rhett the Cat would support my opponent when, under my plan he stands to see the time spent holding him and and loving him increase by over 95%. As voters go to the polls next week, we ask them to remember it's time for change in this household. I would bring honor back to the office of house President.

Perritt's Campaign Spokesperson My fellow Americans, I served with Rhett the Cat: I know Rhett the Cat; Rhett the Cat is a friend of mine. Mary Poole, you're no Rhett the Cat. My candidate may promise holding and loving benefits, but I think voters are smart enough to know that Miss Mary Poole intends the full balance of those benefits to be expended on her. Under my plan, we're instead going to spread the love around. It's only fair to take some love from those who may or may not be extra doted on, and share that love with others who maybe aren't getting as much. Folks like Rhett the Cat, who dreams of opening up his own wild game meat shop one day. Is it really fair to take the love away from him? On Tuesday, I ask voters to remember my plans for the house. More OK Cafe, more trucks to play with, more books and benefits for domestic pets. It would be my honor to serve my household as your President.

And on and on and on. It's enough to make your head spin around here.

In an interesting side note, early polling indicates that, of the four registered voters in the Smith household, 25% are in support of Perritt, 25% are in support of Mary Poole and a whopping 50% remain undecided. When reached for comment, one of the undecided voters commented: "I just don't think I can decide, they both have good cases for how to lead this household. While I feel compelled to fulfill my democratic duty, I may have to abstain. It's just too tough."

Not to be forgotten in all of this is the potential first time voter who has the ability to turn the balance in the election: Rhett the Catt. According to records obtained today, it appears Rhett has been registered 92 times by the Smith House branch of ACORN, to which Rep. Perritt has donated three toy trucks. However, as of press time Rhett continued to waffle on his plans to participate in this historic election saying only "If the weather is bad on Election Day, I'll probably just take a nap. Actually, even if it's sunny I'm unlikely to do much more than just sit in the sun. I don't know. It just sounds like a lot of work; and plus and I'm really not wild about either of my choices."

Typical young voter.